Things I think about at 4:00Am- Opening up

Well it is actually 4:10AM and …SURPRISE! I’m awake. Well I guess for those who know me well enough or long enough they know sleep and I don’t always have a good relationship. There have been many things I wanted to blog about lately but for various reasons I have held off. Part of it was just that I didn’t want to put too much personal stuff out there. Though I want this blog to help people especially stuff related to lower surgery getting into the emotional stuff can get kind of murky.

As I sit here I figured that sharing some of this stuff might still help someone and that is what this blog is about. I shouldn’t pick what someone might find helpful. Hell now I wish I could read someones blog to help me out but alas there are no blogs that I have found with the words I need to hear/read. I was just watching Dr. Drew’s  Life changers. I DVR it daily and I only watch the ones that I feel are worth watching. I was just watching the one from earlier in the week about Kevin Sorbo AKA Hercules and how he had a stroke and what he went through. He said several really profound things that makes sense and needed to hear.I really need to just slow down (I know some of you are laughing because that NEVER happens). I need to get myself more centered.

I am trying to focus more on lower surgery than my recovery and acting like superman. My wife said to me today, “How are you going to plan surgery if you aren’t better yet?” I gave her one of my looks and she knew I wasn’t trying to hear that but she is right. I need to focus on getting better physically so that my body can deal with recovering from Phalloplasty. For that reason I have pushed  my plans back to about Fall 2013 as my projected surgery time. I wanted to do 2012 but I’m trying to not be superman here. Both for logistical and financial reasons 2013 seems like a good time.

I am also realizing that being unable to work as I normally do triggers something in me I hate. It happened years ago when I injured a lower extremity as a teen and was unable to walk for a while. Then when I injured my knee and now with this whole car accident situation. With all of my transition related surgeries I never had those issue because all of them went off without a hitch plus they were planned and I knew the recovery time and other important aspects about them.

With recovering from injuries it’s a learning curve and a lot of stuff you just have to wait and see. Though I know phalloplasty is going to be well planned and I will be as ready as humanly possible I am starting to wonder if since I will have multiple areas that need healing and since it will be a lot more physically taxing than my other surgeries how well will I deal with that? Will I feel stressed and overwhelmed? Will I get post op depression? Or will it be another transition related surgery full of joy? I am hoping and planning for the latter.

I just need to find my individuality again. I need to stop acting invincible and guarded. I need to just be me and allow myself to not feel okay when I am not okay. Not the business man, not the patient advocate, not the reliable guy who you can call on at 2 AM and he will just up and be there but ME the guy who has fears and insecurities even if I don’t always discuss them or acknowledge them openly.

I sometimes wish I had someone more like me in my life. I know that might read as arrogant but I only say that because I know that my intentions are pure when I help people,  I am reliable and true to my word. I do have friends and they are awesome but the sad part is the out of the 5 people who I consider my closest friends 4 of them live in other states so if I really wanted to go for a drive with someone at 2AM I can’t really call them. I do love and appreciate all of them though because they have all been in my life years and have shown themselves as truly genuine.

For 2010 and 2011 I made a goal to build on my relationships and keep meaningful connections with people in my personal life and I was adamant about that. It worked out.

For 2012 I have to be adamant about self-care which would include eating well even when stressed. Getting sleep like a normal person. going to bed at 4 Am then getting up at 7Am is not normal sleep but that is often what I do. I admit this and it is not okay! Don’t try this at home kids! I REALLY need to treat my sugar addiction. I know people don’t take sugar addictions seriously because it isn’t like crack or anything but to someone addicted to it you do feel withdrawal symptoms and get a bit nutty if you don’t get your “fix”.

So in addiction to my other cookie cutter goals for 2012 I plan to work on kicking my sugar addiction which I think will help me lose the  30 lbs of fat I have accumulated. This will also help me get my body in the best shape possible for my phalloplasty.

Lots of Self care for 2012 in all its forms. I probably won’t show all the intricacies of my self-care here but I do plan to note progress being made and check in as a way to hold myself accountable. I have always been good about getting my act together when people are watching so I guess by putting the sugar addiction thing out there I will have an even bigger push to kick the sweets!